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Mom Guilt + Quarantine.

Let's do a mental health check-in. So how is everyone doing? I hope that you are all staying healthy, active, productive and well.


So... How many of you have friends with a single child in the household? Well, you may want to check in on them! Like me, they may have just hopped on that struggle bus.


Real talk:

Well, lately I've been struggling... Struggling emotionally. Today, well, it almost brought me to tears. I felt guilty. I felt helpless. I felt like my super mom powers were insufficient. You know what makes it worst? It's knowing that there are far worst things currently taking place in the world and what i'm feeling may be so insignificant. I am hoping that there are other parents out there with a similar experience. Please don't get me wrong, I have an AMAZING soon to be 4 year old which I often refer to as our "Miracle baby." Because he is just that. I also have a loving and supportive husband, but today I felt alone and buried in my emotions. Have you ever felt that way?



Let's travel back in time:

Infertility. Yup, I said it.

This is something spoken of a bit more, but not as much as it should be. It's a sensitive subject, but certainly affecting many families... mine included. The hubs and I married at age 30. Although we knew we wanted a family, we also knew that we wanted to wait. Two years later, we started trying. Two years after that, still no baby. after seeking help from a fertility clinic, we learned that I had about 5% chance of conceiving due to not being able to ovulate. Time went by full of treatments, shots, medication, procedures, prayers, the few friends and family that knew would ask questions and try to give words of encouragement. As time passed the questions and those words full of love felt like razor blades to my heart. I started to question God. I was tired and drained. For those fighting this battle, God is listening to your silent cry. DON'T LOSE HOPE.


One year went by with no infertility treatments. I needed a break, some time to get myself together again both mentally and physically. Honestly, I just needed some time to come into terms with the possibility that an addition to our family was not going to happen. When we felt ready, we will then look further into adoption. What if I just wouldn’t be a fit mother? Perhaps that’s what God was trying to tell me. Early one morning, I laid on my stomach in my bed watching the news before getting ready for work. I felt a knot on my stomach and figured the sheets were just bundled underneath me, but they were not. Perhaps I have finally started my period (I was 4 days late)? Deep inside, I had the urge to take a pregnancy exam. I battled this feeling; besides, I had trashed all pregnancy exams months ago because they were just sitting there in my bathroom cabinet teasing me. I started my morning routine and happen to open the bathroom cabinet. In plane site there was ONE pregnancy exam sitting right there. How could I have possibly missed this?! I was confused, but figured, why not? Seconds went by and I happen to catch a glimpse of the pregnancy exam. To my surprise there were TWO PINK LINES… POSITIVE! My heart dropped!!! I sent the hubs a text with a picture of the pregnancy exam with the caption, “Well this just happened,” I received an immediate phone call. I got ready for work, silently freaking out, everything was a blur. I stopped at the pharmacy on my way to work to purchase another pregnancy exams, of course! Took two more pregnancy exams… POSITIVE and POSITIVE. Immediately called our infertility Doctor and she wanted to see me at once for blood work. The following day I received a call from the clinic with our results. It was confirmed, I was expecting a baby! Y’all, I still was not excited. Your mind is a strong consuming entity. God knew what he was doing. He knew that I needed to see in order to believe and he certainly did more than just that for us. We returned to the clinic the following day. Our Doctor mentioned that we possibly may not hear a heartbeat because I was only 4 weeks pregnant. 1 minute later, thump, thump, thump, thump (heartbeat) and floating inside of me was a little human who looked like a gummy bear! The doctor and the nurse started clapping, laughing, and congratulating us and we were silent.. just staring at the screen holding hands. The doctor said, "here is your miracle." We walked quietly to the car, put on our seat belts, turned on the car, my hands were shaking and I cried. I thanked God and asked him to forgive me for ever doubting his plan and purpose. Little did I know that there actually was a plan and purpose.


I had an AMAZING pregnancy and three months before my 37th birthday, I became a mom to a 9.5 lb boy. A ray of hope for my entire side of the family and let me tell you why. At 7 months of pregnancy, my father was diagnosed with cancer. Right before Emilio's first birthday, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and on Emilio's 3rd birthday, one of my brothers was diagnosed with cancer. During this time, Emilio was everyone's focus, ray of sunshine and laughter. He has brought so much love and hope to us all. He was proof that more miracles were in the midst. There was a purpose and plan after all. It wasn't my plan by any means, it was Gods. DON'T LOSE HOPE.






Today/Present:

I had to share some of our past in order for you to fully understand my present situation. Emilio will soon be 4 years old and obviously the only child, other then our Yorky Lola. During this Quarantine time, we have kept a schedule, maintained productivity, but there is one thing missing which he wants, that I just can't provide...a companion (other then Mommy and Daddy). It's hard to see your child crying for something that you just can't provide.... another child's companionship.. a sibling... a forever friend. I have officially started feeling the single child guilt. We have played tons with him during this time, we have even earned the title of "Best Friend." But it's nothing in comparison to another child. The playful imagination, the energy, the fun and the endless giggles that as an adult, sometimes I just can't understand.


We visited one of our favorite places EVER (other then the beach and flying on a plane), Southern Belle Farms. If you ever come visit the South Atlanta Metro area in Georgia, try to make your way to this family owned gem. We are lucky to be just a short 10 minute drive away because we visit often. We went to the farm to pick strawberries (DELICIOUS!) and buy some homemade ice cream (mouth watering). The actual farm and kids area is closed at the moment, due to Covid-19. Emilio seemed to be o.k. with that, because he loves picking strawberries and eating ice cream. As always, we had a blast! The farm is taking amazing measures to try to keep all of us safe. We were not able to just walk in as usual, but instead had to wait in line to help control the flow of people. It went by pretty quickly, but the most difficult part was not allowing my little guy get too close to other children while we were waiting. He said lot's of "Hi buddy!," to other children and tried to talk to them at a distance. His little eyes were shinning with excitement, not because he was at his favorite place, but because he was surrounded by other children. Many of the children were running around and playing with their siblings... Emilio wanted to join. I got down on my knees and reminded Emilio why at this time he had to keep his distance. Long story short, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me, "Mama, why are you mad at me?" I was confused and wondered if perhaps the tone of my voice or my facial expressions was displaying an incorrect emotion. I replied that I was not upset at all, but happy because we are finally able to come to our favorite place and have fun. He responded with, " Then why won't you let me play with the other kids?" Y'all!!!!!!!!! my heart was crushed!!! The companionship that my miracle baby needed, I was not able to give. Not just today...but possibly ever (as far as a sibling). Like many of you, I hope and pray, that someday soon our little ones can be reunited with other children. But for now, I will continue being his best friend and trying to keep him as active as possible, answer his million questions, laugh at his silly faces and funny sense of humor. I will continue lifting him up while he's down, hold him as much as possible and as much as he will allow, after all, he is currently a superhero. So here is an important question. How many of you Momma's are going through a similar situation? Have you felt that "single child mom guilt"? My little one has only expressed this feeling to me once, mind you, he's soon to be 4, I also understand that our current nations situation is a big cause of his feelings. However, I have thought about it often and at times it weighs heavy on my heart. I pray for peace over my heart and for those other beautiful families struggling with similar situations. I am truly grateful and blessed to have what we have. We are doing the best that we can and have faith/hope that it will be enough.

Why am I sharing this?

I just can't be the only person feeling this way. I can't possibly be the only person that has gone through the challenges of infertility, mom guilt, and I can not be the only person with a story to share. You see... when we come together and share, we are providing hope for others. We are providing a shoulder to lean on and listening ears. Together we can lift each other up! What if your story can provide hope to others? or at least open a door for conversation with others. I guess we won't ever truly know until we open that door of communication. Chicas, we are so very strong, but we can be even stronger together. Share your comment/stories/words of encouragement below. Also, share this post with others. Let's prompt a conversation with one another. Let's speak on the whats rarely spoken of. Take my hand and let's talk.


XOXO,

Brenda










 
 
 

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